Waiting

Sitting outside bio 107 waiti g for the teacher who hopefully bestow on me an add code. Will it happen? Will luck be a lady today? I hope so.

Random thoughts

New beginnings happen everyday. When we open our eyes and wipe the crust of todays epiphanies out of our eyes.

Equality

There are times that we are reminded of our place. Sometimes it’s a good thing and it humbles us back to were we belong. Being aware and concious of who I am in this reality is something I take pride in and have a habit of calling people who drive with cellphones to their ears or while talking to salespeople unconcious. It’s become my favorite term for them.

Sometimes when we are reminded of our place it is a reminder of our state of society and it’s a sad state in some areas. A very sad state.

The incident that is bringing me to the point of this ramble occured the other day although it isn’t an unlikely event and can occur just about anywhere and at any time. Sometimes though you get to go some period of time without instance and it allows you to illusion yourself into equality.

I am a woman. Have been all my life. I’m a sexual being. Actually an extremely sexual being but I know were boundaries lie. I could never push myself on someone until they felt uncomfortable or inhuman. Not all men understand this rule.

When on my way to a movie the other night, while stopping at my boyfriends house, several men took it upon them selves to be aggressive in their remarks and their attempts at me. They weren’t together I should say just so you all know it wasn’t as scary as irritating and maddening.

I should let you know that were my boyfriend lives is proably the central zone of prostitution in San Diego and it is not unlikely to be propasitioned on this street. Usually if you ignore them keep your head down and continue walking they get the hint and move on. Not on this occasion and this is were my questions come in.

I was wearing tight clothing and heels. I wanted to look sexy for my boyfriend. I know were he lives I know what the situation is. I know and expect a propasition will occur. Am I supposed to hold myself accountable for the
overzealousness of these individuals. That’s what I get for dressing the way I was in the neighborhood I was in. It hardly seems fair that I have to change myself in order to avoid this sort akwardness.
Here is the ultimate in my frustation. Instead of John feeling some compassion towards me for the complete humiliation of someone harrassing me beyond that which anyone deserves regardless of profession he questioned what I had done. Well you know that you are not supposed to look at them right? If you don’t acknowledge them they go away. I’ve had it happen to myself as has Aaron and as long as you ignore them they keep moving. Now while it’s not that I don’t believe that men can and do also get harassed I have a hard time believing that the same kind of liberties are taken with them. But a woman being who they are as defined by society get the wonderful gift of having men be a little more entitled as to what they are are owed.
When I said ifelt demoralized John told me I was using the wrong word. But I wasn’t. I did feel demoralized. My morale had been shaken to the core. And I had once again been reminded of a womans place in this society. For as empowered as I am it took 10 minutes of extreme sexual harrassement to remind menwhere I still stand in the eyes of too many men who still walk this Earth.

Ramblings of thoughts

Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about what I need to say instead of saying what I need to say. It’s a downward spiral. Usually it’s a ramble. I like rambles. Here’s my ramble.

My brother just came to visit. I hadn’t spent time with him in years. Not on our own terms. My mothers presence has always been there. The world was new to explore with him and it was amazing. I’ve spent way too much time feeling alone and family- less. Turns out I still have a brother he’s just so far away and it’s been too long so I forgot. It’s wonderful.

On another note as I slide deeper and deeper into love it’s getting easier. Strange how that happens. Woke up with john overtly cuddly this morning and decided that at 6 o’clock this morning nothing could ruin this day. Even if someone died because for the moment I know I have this other being that is there and will be there. As fluid as life is I know it won’t last but I hope it sticks around for a while.

Speaking of fluidity the more zen I get the more things fall into place and I suppose that this what people are describing when they find God. I really can’t though. Find God. It’s too much of a simple solution that takes away responsibility for me. It allows people to judge to hold themselves in some all knowing higher regard. Oh the sad souls that don’t know god they sigh and shake their head. It’s not that I don’t believe in a higher power but I have a hard time putting a face on it and believing that it is as damning as some would like to believe. How could it be when we were only given a certain amount of understanding incapable of complete knowledge. Growth is all we are capable of. And most of us stop short of that when we hop on the god train. It just seems to me that it’s a tool used to keep people in their place and I can’t see past that very obvious truth.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. When I was younger I made up my own god. A very vague god that had blurry lines based on a report I read in an astronomy magazine. The gist of it was that some planets live and die within minutes. It takes us billions of years to see these lights go out but they do. They evolve into other entities. So I came up with this theory that once we reached understanding of our place our energy passed into a new realm.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe collectively we all are god. I get this mostly by thinking about the Earth and how we are just this organism on top of this other organism completley reliant on it and our decisions while mattering fully in our personel lives collectively matter to our whole being as one organism known as humankind. And that our only immediate god is our collective intellegence and empathy. Of course this only solves the problem of a god existing within my reality and still leaves me without an ultimate supreme being.

My questions of theology are beginning questions for sure but really am searching for spirituality more than a god.

I think that’s enough for now.

The Aftermath of Escaping

How do people decide who they want to be? How do some people wake up and know who they are while others wander around onto to death without even really understanding the small decisions they make. And at what points are your decisions defining you? With every question of every day?

Suppose you need to purchase a toothbrush, does picking a green tooth scrubbing device make you a different type of person than someone who may opt for red? Or is it really only the life altering decisions that present themselves that determine type?

Mostly we fall into who we are without much thought. Enviroment and genetics play ultimate roles in our basic make and model. Is it genetics that have given me a complete lack of motivation? Or was it my enviroment?

I know that I lack certain skills given to people by doting parents because I was raised in a house that didn’t teach me to cope and provided for various tragedies, however, I did not turn out the way my brother did. I knew my worth from the beginni g at least to to the point of knowing that I deserved a better life. And I ran. I took myself so far away from my mother and her depression that i could live my own life. Without her killing me. But once accomplishing that feat have yet to wake up and move any further. So why? Why? Why?

Am I flawed like a tennesse Williams play or a great Greek tragedy? ( why oh why would my phone correct Williams to a capital beginning but not tennesse which deserves it’s own capital as much as Williams). Should I always walk with such heavy burden that I can’t break it down to steps or am I lazy? If lazy where the case would I not be in Oregon addicted to crank and severely overweight? Why do some progress and others not? And whence progressing from tragic childhood why oh why do we hit such a brick wall?

I have a friend who has similiar issues though I’ve never said it to him, so why do we stop trying after escaping?

Great expectations

It’s funny the way we set ourselves up with expectations. Oh the downfall when people aren’t who you want them to be. We all have this tendency to walk around feeling entitled to certain reactions or emotions from people when in fact we are not. It seems to be one of the hardest lessons to learn for whatever reason it takes a long time to settle in.

I suppose that as we age it becomes easier to let things go. Youth has a certain ideal to it that slips into complacency. When do we have the right to hold our ground and when do we walk away from it?

Hello world!

So this is the first of my attempt at quietly rioting against my world. Supposing that maybe it’ll be heard by someone somewhere I’ll attempt to tell my story via my little iPhone which happens to really be my only outlet to this giant giant technological world. So you’ll have to excuse the messups bound to happen with rapid finger movements on a tiny keyboard.

My name is Vanessa. I live in San diego California and I’m 30 years old. I’m white. I come from a very poverished background. I grew up in a small town in Oregon and ran away at the age of 17 to southern California. My mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict. ( that felt kinda weird to say outloud because I’ve always noted her alcoholism but never really called her a drug addict). I may not be as established as some my age but I’m not in the predictaments that some who have gone through what I have are either and I find a little bit of pride in that. Being sane and all. My other defining factor is that almost two years ago I was diagnosed with HIV. I say all of this in an unwittingly way solely to beat past the build up. I really just want to start talking. And I suppose that my HIV will be the brunt of my meandering conversation with myself. It consumes an awful lot of my time these days.

I was diagnosed after my best friend that I had been carding on a sexual relationship with for many years was. His doctor had been testing him for a year trying to figure out what was wrong with him and to be honest I’m pretty sure that he had lost some of the test. Had he not I might not be positive. I find this hard to digest sometimes. That he could be so irresponsible and not let my friend know that his blood work had been lost. But it does no good to think about what could of happened in order for my situation to not be what it is because it is what it is and I wake up with it every morning now. Besides I opted for unsafe sex. I trully hate condoms. They irritate me and make me dry up. So here I am almost two years later with HIV.

The first year was hard. For so many reasons. Reasons that someone who isn’t positive might not even think about. I’m not on meds yet. It’ll propably be some time before I have to start and I’m thankful for that. Watching him start them was terrifying. The side effects can be heinous.

So far my hardest part has been learning how to re- identify myself. Putting that into the label of me. You know the way you break yourself down- 1st I’m a woman blah blah blah. Now this was part of my title. I’ve been very outspoken about it mostly because I feel it’s my duty to be. I don’t fit into the boxes they like to create and I dread the fears and stigmas that still surround this virus. It’s appalling to me to find that there are still fears and I hate the boxes and labels because it just makes it easier for people to believe that it won’t infect them. ITS A HUMAN DISEASE which means that anyone can get it. Anyone. It does not solely belong to gay men, or drug addicts. It belongs to every person having sex.
I’ve floun d that what is available for women is disheartening. Gay men being as affluent and as empowered as they are managed in some small way to change the States view on it and established many programs and legal funding and help. Unfortunatley a lot of it when it was written did not include all people only men. This is changing don’t get me wrong. But the seperation is still too wide. I have wanted to get myself more involved and am now really to the point that I have settled into and can. The unfortunate thing is that fatigue is such a constant it’s unbearable sometimes. Imagine your body always fighting a cold. That’s how I feel. Like I’m always on the verge of being g sick but I’m really not. Depression was a problem for quite a while also. It made me angry that I had already lived through so much and come out on top ( relatively speaking) and had once again been shit on. Jagged little pill that was. It has been hard to to e up my lifestyle and I still struggle with it. I’ve always been a partier and I e always loved sex. With men mostly but really enjoyed whatever came my way. Now this giant responsibility lies on me to not pass it on. It’s robbed me of some things. But it has also made me slow down enough to enjoy my life in a way that I was not before. It’s forced to to understand my strenghths and to really look myself in the eyes. I hadn’t really been doing that.
In some ways it’s been a blessing.

I suppose that’s all for now. It’s kinda hard writing on this little keyboard and I’ve lost my focus. But now the conversation is open

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